I am not an emotional person. I do not cry. I don’t empathize with people well. I just don’t really understand why some people are so emotional. I’ve always said that I’m emotionally stunted, and my brother’s wife says the same thing about him. Maybe something about our family… I dunno.
Leading up to the Aquathon yesterday, I was nervous. I couldn’t really pinpoint why, but I figured it had to do with the transition period — when you take off your wetsuit & get into your running gear. But, I created a plan for that — made sure that no one would see my belly hanging out, and I thought it’d be OK. But I was still nervous. Went to bed on Wednesday nervous, woke up Thursday nervous, and spent all day thinking about it.
Went to the race yesterday, and we ended up running late. More nerves. But it was OK, they held the race due to traffic, and all was OK. I was losing my nerves a bit — even felt OK as I floated in the water before the race started.
But then the horn blew, I ran into the water, and had to start swimming. And I was paralyzed with fear. I started hyperventilating. I didn’t know where to go. What to do. I couldn’t put my face in the water, because I didn’t know where I was going. People were swimming over my legs, and I was freaking out. It was BAD. But I kept moving. I tried to talk myself into swimming normally, because I am GOOD at that. No dice. 4 strokes, and I was back to flailing around in the water, assuming that a lifeguard was going to pick me up at any minute. It was really that bad.
But I finished. I got out of the water, ran up the beach, and started my transition. That was the EASIEST part of the whole thing, and I had been nervous about that?!? I didn’t even have to do anything except take off a wetsuit & put on shoes & socks. Really, it’s not rocket science.
Then, I started running. 3.1 miles for the 5K. I ran, and ran, and ran. I didn’t think it was ever going to stop. I’m not quick, so people are passing me… but I’m also passing others. It was working — my legs were working. My mind — was broken. I was just so upset with what was happening.
I have been training for this triathlon for SO long. It’s only 2 months away, and I thought that I was READY! It was, after all, the same distance swim, and it’s only an additional 0.9 mile run (plus an 18 mile cycle, but still).
I finished the race in a haze. I ate dinner & had a beer in a haze. At the end of dinner, I thought I was going to get sick, but couldn’t. On the drive home, I was swallowing saliva that was just coming out of no where, getting ready to get sick. In the parking lot, where I was dropped off to pick up my car, I really did almost lose it, but I didn’t. Instead, I went home, and cried.
I cried that after all of this work, and all these hours of practice, and all this time away from my husband, that I didn’t like it. It scared me, and it wasn’t fun. Mind you, running those 1/2 marathons wasn’t fun either, but this was SO MUCH WORSE! I just wanted it to be OVER from the first second that I started. So I cried. Matt doesn’t really know what to do with me when I cry — it happens so infrequently. This morning, he asked if I was better, and said that he thought I was drunk, because I was just so deflated and not myself.
I’m going to practice, and I’m going to do it again. I really WANT to like it. I want all of this hard work to pay off when I go to compete.
But, if it doesn’t, this race in September might be my last. I’ll stick with swimming in a lane with a few people in the pool…