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Sick of Myself

I’ve been in a self-hate swirl for a few days now.  


Caught my reflection in a mirror, and instead of seeing the beautiful woman that I am and the cheekbones that are starting to come out, focused on the double chin.  Which isn’t NORMALLY there, but was only there because of the way that I was sitting.  I have been eating poorly, drinking with abandon, and working out half-heartedly.  I’ve noticed that my calorie burn is decreasing on workouts, which means that my body is getting used to them — and I need to step it up!


I get like this every once in a while.  It definitely isn’t helping that my hubby and I have been drinking so much lately — all in celebration, but it tends to make me upset once he’s had too much and I’m the one stuck driving us home.  And then he lies around all day because he feels like crap.  Grumble.  But, I suck into it too, and allow the Macaroni & Cheese for lunch (with green beans, but no protein!), and I actually suggested last night’s dinner:  WW fettuccine, red pepper Alfredo sauce, spinach, tomatoes and chicken.  It was tasty, and really wasn’t that bad for me, but why am I going for all of this comfort food?


I haven’t been blogging lately either — mostly because it’s hard to find time at work.  Aaaah, who am I kidding?  I have very little work to do — writing a 10 minute blog isn’t going to kill anyone.  What have I been focusing on:


1) Money.  I sold a bunch of stock to pay for my new bike and for other bills.  But because our joint credit card bill has been so high, I’ve had to use almost $5K of my own money to cover that.  Which is lame.  I have other bills I want to pay off (credit cards, etc.) — using my money for joint account stuff is annoying.  We really need to sit down & figure all of this stuff out.  Yesterday my hubby decided that we needed a cover for the pool and a reel for the cover.  Annoying. Too much money – and it’ll just cover up the pool, so he won’t clean it.  Aaaargh.


2) Food plan.  I have not been planning my meals — they just sort of happen to me.  Which means that I’m not making the best choices.  I’m not making BAD choices, but they’re definitely not as well thought out as they should be.  We went to the grocery store with a bunch of coupons, but no plan.  Now we have a bunch of processed food, but nothing that I really want to make.  Drives me crazy.


3) Working out.  Training for this triathlon is exhausting.  So much planning.  So much to do.  Last weekend, some friends and I went out for a cycle after our ocean swim.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep up.  Then I got a flat tire.  Then I got another flat.  Irritating.  And the whole time, even though I’d texted my friends, they didn’t even notice that I was gone.  What if I were lying a ditch?  They wouldn’t have even figured it out.  I don’t really know why I’m angry — it’s not like anything did happen to me.  But, I can’t stop thinking about it.  And it’s ruining how I feel about my friends.


4) Friendships.  See above.  But also, I’m not the easiest person to be friends with.  I tell you how it is. I don’t sugar coat.  I’m not “sweet” or “cute”.  I’m kind of a hard ass.  I usually think that’s what people like about me, but recently I’ve noticed a few comments, “Oh, yeah, you don’t hold back” or “I know Lara will tell me how it is”.  I’m not sure why, but it hurts.  Ridiculous, since they’re right.  But I do try to hold back a bit — if they knew what I was REALLY thinking…  Geez.  I guess I wonder:  am I a good person?


5) Family.  My in-laws are coming this weekend.  They drive me a bit insane.  And apparently they’re coming to cheer me on in the triathlon.  Which I don’t really believe — I think they’re coming because there’s a UVA football game.  I don’t want this accomplishment to be overshadowed by a football game, or by their previous experiences as marathoners.  I really don’t want to hear about it.  I also wish that there were other people who could come to see this, besides them.  My parents.  My best friends.  I guess it’s hard because I know that the ones who I love the most can’t come to see it, and that pains me. 


So.  There.  It’s all out.  Now, can we just move on, please?  Back to the weight loss.  Back to the work outs.  Back to feeling amazing about myself.  I just can’t stand this self-hate swirl.

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About TresLaLa

I'm really just a thin girl with a lot of extra padding...

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