Cross-posted from a thread on NSVs in the Forums:
Most of you know that I swim & train for my triathlons with a Masters swim group. Every time I walk into the pool area I get a bit nervous, since I’m significantly bigger than ANY OTHER PERSON there. Last night was no different. (And, yes, I know I need to get over this… working on that.)
I arrived about 2 minutes late, and was getting into the pool via the steps (it’s a shallow pool, so I didn’t just jump right in). I could FEEL the people looking at me. I passed by the 1st (slowest) lane & went into the 2nd (the 3rd already had 5 people in it, 2nd only had 2 people). And then I started the warm up.
Once I was finished with my warm up, a guy in my lane was just looking at me. I thought I might have a snot rocket hanging out or something, when he said, “HOLY COW, you’re so fast! And you glide so gracefully!”. I ended up passing him a number of times throughout the workout — and at the end of each set, he was like, “Woah, you’re a good kicker!” or “Woah — you’re pulling is great!” depending on what drills we were doing.
Goes to show you, that even with 12% body fat (like him) you can still get schooled by a fat chick.
After I wrote this, I realized that I wasn’t really dealing with my insecurities, I was just hoping that they’d go away “when I lose the weight”. It’s funny — I would typically describe myself a pretty awesome. Yep – I’m a pretty egotistical chick. Seriously. I think my sh!t doesn’t smell. True story. But I have all these weird hang ups — which leads me to believe that I’m not all that egotistical. I’m just insecure, then try to figure out a way to cover it up. I can seem really flip at times, or when I’m being quiet because I don’t want to say something that will make people not like me, it can seem like I’m judging or am not a nice person. I also have a tendency to tell it like it is — which when combined with my other traits, is not usually a good thing.
The first time this guy said anything to me last night was, “Huh, that warm up didn’t even faze you, did it?” And I was kind of pissed — almost as if he said to me, “You should be completely out of breath, given your physical state”. Of course, that’s not what he said, but that’s what I heard. Thinking back on this comment made me realize, he said it to both me, and the super cute, buff guy in the lane. And that the guy who had said it WAS huffing & puffing. He was giving me a compliment, and I’d twisted it all in my head. It took 2 or 3 more compliments for me to realize that he really was being sincere (again, one of my hangups).
Interesting how you start a plan to get rid of the belly, and you end up bringing up & hopefully purging all these crazy thoughts about yourself and start realizing how people really see you and how you should be seeing yourself. Fat chick & all.