Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I’m eating clean, and eating what I should be to become healthy. I exercise, a lot, I feel, but it’s just not enough. I have lulled myself into a false-sense of what I’ve been doing, and even when I log, I realize that I’m not doing it mindfully. My weight is not going down, and though I’d like to blame all these other things for that, it’s really this: I HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING MY OWN PLAN.
I realized this after I logged yesterday’s lunch — a turkey Reuben sandwich from the work cafeteria, a bag of Doritos, and a carton of milk. It turned into 700+ calories. I’m OK with my choice for the milk. But, I certainly didn’t need those 260 calories of completely non-healthful Doritos. That much is obvious, but what about the sandwich? I made a poor choice — actually thinking at the time that it was a decent choice. And yes — it could have been worse. But it really could have been better. And should have been. I have been doing this for long enough to know what’s OK to eat. But further than that, I’m trying to eat clean. How on earth do Doritos get into my hand, and how do I decide to have a sando with 1000 island dressing and coleslaw?
I then kind of gave up for the day, and ate. Not with abandon, but not well. So here I am, realizing that I’m screwing myself over. I’m undercutting my own goals, and my own wishes, just to have something that makes me feel good for 10 minutes. I KNOW how thin feels, and it feels a heck of a lot better than a processed cheese chip.
I really need to make and bring in my own foods. I really need to be mindful of what I’m putting into my body. And I really need to start realizing that even those small slip ups are the reason why I’m not any closer to my goals than I was 6 months ago.