We’ve all done it. In some cases, it’s why you’re here. We see a photograph of ourselves, cringe, and realize that something has to be done. The Lord knows that I’ve done the same thing. Many times. While I love photography, in most cases I know that I will not like pictures of myself, especially if I’m feeling heavy.
Last night I was editing some of the pics from our recent Africa trip. I just wish that I could edit out my belly. It just feels so awful to look at pictures of such an amazing time in my life, and realize that I will never be comfortable posting those, or showing anyone. And yet, I refuse to delete them. I refuse to forget that even when I feel like I’m on top of the world, I don’t look that way, and it hurts. It hurts me, physically, to look at those.
I have a belly that has a mind of its own. And even when I feel like I look amazing, I don’t. There’s a picture of my hubby & I at our friends’ wedding that could have been amazing. But honestly, I look about 6 months pregnant. Seriously. And I was wearing what I affectionately call a “sucker inner”, under a new dress.
This is not like those pictures where you’re sitting on the couch with a 10 year old t-shirt, a stain on the shirt, and no make-up. This was me — TRYING to look beautiful. And I didn’t. I looked pregnant. TRYING to look thin, but I didn’t.
I know that I am not doing this to look good in pictures. But I am doing it to feel better about myself, and knowing that I’ll look good is part of it. OK – maybe it’s a big part of it.