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Category Archives: Mindful Eating

You won’t be surprised…

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But I’ve gained more than the 15 pounds that my doctors recommended that I gain with this pregnancy.  Already.  As of this morning, I’m up 19 pounds.  19!  And I’ve still got 17.5 weeks to go.  Including 2-3 vacations/weekends away, the hubby’s birthday, and Thanksgiving.  This is not a good thing, my friends.

Not that it’s all that surprising to me, either.  Seriously?  Gaining only 15 pounds with a pregnancy?  That’s cray-cray.  I’d like to say that I’ve been eating really well.  And I can tell you that I had a salad for lunch yesterday.  But then I might conveniently leave out the part where I didn’t finish it (there was too much dressing), and instead went back for a second biscuit. Ahem, a second cheese biscuit.

Oh, and then there were the bananas that I bought to add into protein pancakes or to top English muffins with peanut butter.  Instead, they sat too long, and I HAD to make some banana chocolate chip bread.  And then I HAD to proceed to eat 2 slices per day this week.  Luckily the hubby’s been eating more than that, and it’s finally gone.

I did not expect this to be this hard, folks.  I’m really not sure why, though.  I mean, I have tried my entire life.  ENTIRE LIFE! to lose weight, and now I’m just piling the pounds on like it’s my job.  19 pounds in 22.5 weeks isn’t ALL that terrible, and honestly, I really only look like I’ve gained some weight in the belly (it’s *thank goodness* not distributed itself to my face or upper arms — yet).  But knowing that I still have 17.5 weeks to go, and this kiddo is just going to grow & grow & grow, is terrifying.

I cried this morning, exclaiming that if I couldn’t control my need for ice cream, how could I possibly be a good mother.  I even said that I wished she was going to be a boy, because then he wouldn’t really worry about his weight like I do.  Friends, I am so scared that I am going to screw this little, innocent, perfect baby up.

Back to basics, my friends.  No, not a diet.  But tracking what I eat.  Doing my cardio.  Making good choices.  Setting myself up for success.

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A New Day – A New Tactic

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So, here’s the deal…  I’m not losing weight.  And it’s all my fault.  There.  I said it.

I’m having too many sweets.  Too much pizza.  Too many drinks.  Too. Much. Of. Everything.

And it’s going to change.  Now.


I need to be accountable to someone.  I hoped that being accountable to myself would be enough – but apparently I’m not enough.  (Note: Something to talk to the therapist about.)  So, I’m accountable to YOU.  And YOU should hold me accountable.  Question what I’m eating.  Question why I’ve eaten any cheats.  Help me.  Help me to identify what I can skip, how I can substitute, and what I can do to make this a life-long journey that’s worth it.

Starting now.  OK, I’ll start…


Breakfast:

  • 1 cup coffee (no sweetener or milk) –> Switch to tea.  Coffee’s too bitter.
  • 2 eggs, over easy –> Switch to egg white scramble with bunches of veggies.  
  • 2 slices sourdough toast with butter –> Skip it.  Unnecessary with a huge egg white scramble.  
This is me.  Starting over.

Oh, so THAT’S the problem!

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I think I mentioned that I started working with a new trainer. He asked me to bring in 2 days worth of my food diary. I forgot to do it today, so he asked me to email it to him, so he could review it and provide some feedback when we meet on Thursday. Sure, easy enough. He asked for the past 2 days, but I reminded him that I’ve been sick and haven’t been eating super, and we camped this weekend, so I didn’t log. So he just told me to find 2 good days.

I’ve just gone through a whole month of food diaries to find 2 “good” days. And you know what I found? I don’t have any. I don’t have ANY days in April that were what I would consider good food days. WTH? How is it possible that every day (except weekends) I log every friggin bite that goes into my body, and I still have some food every day that isn’t what I would consider good? And this is not just 1 bite of something — it’s at least 1 full MEAL a day (when I eat 4 to 5 meals a day) that is not what it should be. That’s 25% of the time!

Do I meet my daily calorie targets? Yes. Mostly. (Only if you count exercise calories.) But do I do it with clean, whole foods? Nope. I’m not buying out the grocery store of Kraft foods, mind you, but even tonight at Trader Joe’s I had to remind myself to put down the processed crap and pick up the whole foods.

So, ummm, I’m hoping that this little realization of mine will now lead me to lose a bunch of weight, as I start mindfully eating whole, clean food. Of course, I welcome that. But what the heck have I been doing? I totally fooled myself that each day looked like the PERFECT food day. But yet, I couldn’t find one day in the WHOLE MONTH of April! Yikes.

Arrrgh. Realization: No one to blame but myself.

Fooling myself…

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I’m eating clean, and eating what I should be to become healthy. I exercise, a lot, I feel, but it’s just not enough. I have lulled myself into a false-sense of what I’ve been doing, and even when I log, I realize that I’m not doing it mindfully. My weight is not going down, and though I’d like to blame all these other things for that, it’s really this: I HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING MY OWN PLAN.

I realized this after I logged yesterday’s lunch — a turkey Reuben sandwich from the work cafeteria, a bag of Doritos, and a carton of milk. It turned into 700+ calories. I’m OK with my choice for the milk. But, I certainly didn’t need those 260 calories of completely non-healthful Doritos. That much is obvious, but what about the sandwich? I made a poor choice — actually thinking at the time that it was a decent choice. And yes — it could have been worse. But it really could have been better. And should have been. I have been doing this for long enough to know what’s OK to eat. But further than that, I’m trying to eat clean. How on earth do Doritos get into my hand, and how do I decide to have a sando with 1000 island dressing and coleslaw?

I then kind of gave up for the day, and ate. Not with abandon, but not well. So here I am, realizing that I’m screwing myself over. I’m undercutting my own goals, and my own wishes, just to have something that makes me feel good for 10 minutes. I KNOW how thin feels, and it feels a heck of a lot better than a processed cheese chip.

I really need to make and bring in my own foods. I really need to be mindful of what I’m putting into my body. And I really need to start realizing that even those small slip ups are the reason why I’m not any closer to my goals than I was 6 months ago.

SNAP!

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Don’t you just wish you could snap your fingers and have everything fall right into place? I’d do a lot of that, I guess – which makes it not as great once you’re done. But still.

Would love to snap my way to a tight little bod. Snap my way into loving exercising. Snap my way into easily saying no to trigger foods. Snap my way into a breast lift. :$

But, alas, it doesn’t work that way. We have to work for the things that matter. The things that are worth it. And this WILL be worth it. But, I’m feeling really beat down. I’m feeling really irritated that I’m not much closer to my goal than I was in September (actually, I’m further from it). Irritated that I won’t be at goal weight when I wanted. Irritated with myself that at one point I had planned to be at goal by this month, before this trip. And I am SO far away from it. It is just so darn far away. And I’m frustrated.

I just can’t believe that I’m working out SO hard. I’m making decent (dare I say good?) choices. I’m eating fewer than 2000 calories (even on my red line days), usually netting 1300 and I’m stagnating so badly, even though my RMR shows is 2300 calories per day for maintenance. So why this? I should be down 1000 calories a day – that’s 2 pounds per week. So, what the HECK??? Where are they?

I’m concerned that I’m always thinking about food. I’m always thinking out how to burn my next set of calories. I’m always thinking about what that piece of food will do to me. I don’t want to stop eating mindfully, but c’mon! I’m not sure that this is healthy. Unfortunately, I missed 1/2 my therapy appt yesterday, and we had some other stuff to talk about… SO – didn’t get to cover this. Hopefully I can work my way through it on my own in the next 2 weeks.

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